The Road to Recovery

Good Evening friends! Today was a cold and overcast day on the island. I felt like staying inside today. It's 5:45pm now and it's pitch black outside. I lit a candle and felt like sharing some moments and thoughts from my day.

I spent some hours on my computer today. There has been a lot to tidy up to do on my blog, so I've been mostly working on that today. Every time I stand up for a break or do something else to relax my mind, ideas pop up out of nowhere. I immediately run to a notepad to write them down. Does anyone have the same experience when taking a break from work? It's like I opened a door and creativity is flowing in.

I am constantly exploring myself and pondering how I want to share this experience with the world. It seems that being in Sweden has unlocked something in me. I used to count the hours down for the work day to end, but now I don't know where the time goes! I've never felt more creative, inspired, and energised. The first week here, I felt a bit disconnected, like I did before I got on the plane. I think that is normal. A change of scenery helps but it's not an instant fix. Our bodies need time to catch up with our head. The body undergoes so much stress and carries so much emotional weight that it takes time to recover. There is so much we can't see internally, but it doesn't mean it's not there.

I think a great deal of my stress comes from being an empath. I naturally take on a lot of other people's worries and feel their emotions so deeply. I think that's something all artists have in common. It's a blessing and a curse. I like to think of it as magic that I need to harness. Not too little, not too much. Just "lagom" as the Swedes put it. That's why I need quiet moments alone to decompress and tune into my own energy.

I have been so low from emotional burnout that I need to get back to a healthy routine with my yoga, my art and online community. I am part of a spiritual community in Bali where they host online events. I am so very happy every time we meet for sharing circles. It's vulnerable sometimes but I always leave feeling validated, whole, refreshed, and warm hearted from everyone's loving words and unconditional support. It gives me energy so I can also give back to the world. There is truth in the saying, "You can't pour from an empty cup." Another one I recently came across that I like because it's so obvious to many is, "you put your oxygen mask on first."

I don't know what the future holds, but right now I feel I am on a journey to reconnecting to myself through returning to my roots, and embracing simplicity in my day: not spending money on things I don't need, or going out to do stuff for the sake of doing. All I need is to just be and spend time in nature and create art. I sit here peacefully and slow my mind and body down before deciding on the next right thing. I feel like for the past 10 years and especially in 2023 I have been on overdrive, which was leading to emotional burnout and physical symptoms. So it's important I take this time to wind down and decompress. My body needs a break. So I will challenge myself to get off my computer for the rest of the week and just get out into nature and rest my mind. Just me and my new best friend (my camera), out there in the rocky landscape by the North Sea, where I can capture my first love in life, Smögen ꨄ

I didn't take as many photos today as I wanted because I thought, "I'm just at home, that's boring." But oh, how I need to shift my perspective. I will not take this unique lifestyle choice for granted, because I think the world could benefit from my story and the serenity of this place. The story of a young woman realising that happiness can be found within, that putting yourself first is not selfish, and that emotional healing is necessary to help the body maintain good health.

I also want to send the message to people that work can be found remotely, entrepreneurship is worth exploring, self-expression is sustenance in challenging times, and that reconnecting with your roots and nature can be an effective way to ease core feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and not belonging. These are all feelings I have struggled with for years, and it's caused a lot of anxiety in my daily life.

I have come across people who have criticised my decision to move to Sweden. I have heard them say "You shouldn't run away from your problems." I highly disagree. If anything, I had spent most of my adult life running away from myself which made me very unhappy. Being a codependent chronic people pleaser was just an unbearable and soul sucking way to live. And this way of living my life was making me sick. And here's the proof. I have a highly overactive immune system, so any kind of stress will send my immune system into auto-drive where my body attacks itself. The stress was literally killing me. I knew I needed to change my life or I felt like I was going to die.

At first, I went to doctors and they could not locate the source of my skin inflammation. I could feel it was stress from living in survival mode. I wasn't thriving or feeling alive anymore. And it was showing all over my body. It is so important to listen to your body when it speaks to you. My stress was emotional, so I hope my story creates more awareness around the interconnectedness between physical and emotional wellbeing.

During this time I had to take cold showers because I was in so much pain. The physical discomfort and appearance was also affecting my mental wellbeing because I didn't want to go outside in the sun or see people. I was so low that I decided to seek out emotional healing solutions, such as therapy. I had tried everything else: yoga, meditation, paleo diet, ocean swims, hiking and surfing. But inside, the missing piece was the human connection. I was supported and nurtured back to a healthier mindset by a wonderful older woman living in Texas. I've always wished for someone like that in my life and there she was. Do you believe in the law of attraction and manifesting? I feel like I manifested her into my life.

I realise how resilient human beings are, and what we are truly capable of withstanding in moments of adversity. But that doesn't mean that we should stay in a situation that is making our bodies sick, especially when we have the freedom of choice. Why push ourselves over the edge? What are we trying to prove? I used to want to show people that I was resilient by pulling my socks up and sticking it out, despite it hurting me in the end. But now I'm being noticed for my inner strength, my vulnerability, authenticity, and putting myself first in order to help others. The strength of taking responsibility for my emotional health, prioritising my needs, setting boundaries, validating my emotions, and diligently truth seeking. This is my definition of self-love. I believe self love is the path to our true purpose in this life. It is believed that your soul chooses your body to fulfill your life’s soul purpose; it is crucial that you honor your life as a gift from the universe or God. The body you inhabit is an essential part of your purpose. Which is why it is important to express love towards your body.

Trust me when I say, your body is speaking to you. It definitely keeps the score, so please show love for yourself by listening to your body when it speaks to you. It will show you what you need. It will show you the way to your heart. Do whatever you can to reconnect with your body. The only thing I admit I ran away from was the calling of my own heart. All because I was too scared to go against the expectations of people around me, the media, the society I was a part of, my own insecurity and false perception that I was unworthy, which left me afraid of being alone. That's all in the past now and I'm on the road to recovery.

Wow, now that was a long post! I'm so grateful if you managed to get this far. I look forward to sharing more of my thoughts, feelings, and moments here in Sweden. I hope you found this inspiring. Please say hi and share your thoughts and feelings in the comments. I would love to connect with you by getting to know you.

Lots of LOVE,

Annika ♥︎