Someone once asked me this and I instantly felt confused, invalidated and curious about the answer. Does healing ever end? After being on this self-awareness and compassion journey for almost 5 years, I have learned that healing is whatever it means to you. To me, healing is a daily expansion, a curiosity, a daily practice of awareness of strengths and flaws. And a compassion for the whole process.
To me, healing never ends. It was a hard decision to accept because in the beginning I thought healing meant I was flawed, not whole. This meant I felt an urgency to heal. A desperation to feel enough. But now that I know I'm whole and healing, it's the most liberating way to live. For me this was the ultimate mindset shift. Instead of fighting fear, I now meet it with curiosity, while carrying gratitude in my heart. I'm excited to see what this new chapter will bring me.
What does healing mean to you? What does it look like? I'm curious to hear from you in the comments ♥︎
Here comes my latest YouTube video that I have been working on. It's a mix of everything. It was quite challenging to put together because I had to look over most of my July footage to figure out what I actually did. This is both fun and time consuming. I obviously I can't show everything because that would take too much of both your and my time. But here come some moments I picked that I thought would have the most positive impact.
A new week, a fresh start. I sit with a morning cup of coffee and reflect on where I am currently with my work and life. Recently, my blog is having some issues with storage so I am unable to share photos. Sharing photos from the beautiful nature here and my daily life is one of the big reasons why I started this blog. Of course, you can find me on Instagram and YouTube, but I wanted a safe and sacred place where I can share deeper parts of myself through writing. I also wanted to share my photos here and offer my readers a chance to interpret my work in their own way. That is what is so healing about art and why I started my blog to start sharing my journey as an artist both internally and with my creative mediums.
While I investigate what is going on with my blog, I will redirect my energy towards YouTube with quick and easy vlogs and films. For a few weeks now I have been battling this conflict between blogging and YouTube. A part of me loves to write, and a part of loves the complexity and multi-layered process of video creation and storytelling through film. Of course, I can do both but it's about finding the time, and having a strategy so I don't burn out, and where I can stay connected with you more regularly. I recognise this is a common challenge for YouTubers and perfectionists. My intention is to keep going for as long as I can, and for as long as YouTube is still around. Even if that means making some "shitty" videos. Completion is better than perfection.
I took this little issue with my blog as a sign. It's not a big issue, but since I'm just starting out as an artist and business owner, I couldn't justify spending money on adding storage when I have such a little following at the moment. And especially since YouTube is free and easier to reach new audiences. So for now I will prioritise spending more time on YouTube and Instagram, and pop in here when I feel inspired to write and share a few photos. How often, I can't promise that right now. But I will focus more on regular updates on YouTube, especially now that I have 90 beautiful souls who subscribed to my channel. THANK YOU!!! ♥︎
I hope this new way of working helps me balance all the different platforms while continuing to build a community of likeminded people. Right now, my current following seems to prefer video so I will focus on that medium for now.
Even though I will prioritise YouTube now, I will blog as much as I can because I find writing and sharing art with the world so beautiful. It's calming and helps me slow down. It's also my contribution to help the world heal. Once the artist's work is out there, it doesn't belong to the artist anymore. The art is a mirror for others. It's open to interpretation through the perspective and eyes of other human beings. And that's okay. Every time I want to share my art with the world, it's a constant effort to put aside my ego and inner critic, and allow the art to work its healing powers.
I believe writing still has the power to inspire many others around the world to also find their creative inner voice. My deeper vision and core purpose with my online presence is to help others in this way.
I believe blogs give people an insight into the heart of an individual human being, and that is when magic can happen. Most of the time reading the inner emotional experience of another real human being helps us feel less alone, more inspired, and connected. Since my blog helps me find my creative inner voice, I don't ever see myself stopping. Even if there are zero readers here, I think I will still write because it helps me express myself. Something I wasn't always free to do as a child. I find that each art medium unlocks different drawers inside of me. Writing is a part of that healing process.
I love this old school feeling of blogs and have a strange feeling they will make a come back. Especially since Instagram is so over saturated, too many ads on Facebook, and heavily commented posts on Instagram. I feel like a blog is like a safe space for true and loyal followers who really care about building a community of Nordic nature lovers and artists in need of some inspiration and motivation to create. Also I love to blog because personally my style is more of a diary or a letter to a friend, rather than "how to" content. Like I said, sometimes this way of self expression helps to connect with other people in deeper ways. And that is ultimately what I want to do. Connect.
I've held back on being present online for so many years. I was afraid that it was self-indulgent, egotistical and narcissistic. But the more self-aware I've become and the more clear I've become on my deeper desire to authentically connect with other human beings, is when I had the spark to show up, and I had the reassurance that I wasn't being narcissistic.
I have also learned that as a new creator, somehow writing feels like a safer way to connect with people's hearts. My fear of judgement is still lurking in the shadows, but I'm not letting the fear stop me. Perhaps blogging is a baby step toward more video creation on YouTube. It's scary to put yourself out there.
Hopefully, my blog will be a jumping off point to bigger and greater things. For now, I'm grateful that I have the time, health and energy to do this. It will also be nice to look back on it like a diary in future years. A diary of my life in Sweden, my artist journey, my process, my struggles, failures, set backs, successes, milestones, and happiness. My messy human life. A story ultimately about a young woman reclaiming her true self after years of inauthenticity and abuse.
I have thought hard about sharing my past pains online, and maybe there is a time in the future to do that. Right now I feel called to stay present, to follow my joy, and express myself. Since I started my healing journey in 2020, looking back I realise that reading books, therapy, and listening to podcasts helped to a certain extent. It wasn't until I made scary decisions and uprooted my life that I started to feel better, different, and more connected to my true self. Overnight, my life felt fuller. I believe true healing does come with learning to manage the fear and take action anyway. In my experience, 90% of my energy these past 4 years was spent on learning about the fear, and mastering healthier ways to manage it. Nature and friendships have been a huge support. Then the action was the easy part. This is now my definition of success: feel the fear and take the action anyway. I craved a life closer to nature, my roots, and creativity. And now I have it. Funny. I have a new fear: I'm scared to lose it all.
There is something peaceful about this time of year. The tourists have gone home, the island festivities are over, schools are starting soon, and people go back to work next week in Sweden. It almost feels like I can reclaim the island again. I feel self conscious taking photos when there are people around, and I want to capture the landscape as it is. I don't like to remove elements from the photos. I want the photos to tell the story for how this place ACTUALLY is, without the manipulation of removing people using photo editing software.
I'm so excited for this new chapter and feel a new phase of life. Creating and blooming.
Sending you so much love from the Swedish West Coast. Talk to you soon ♥︎
Yesterday late afternoon, I spent two hours by the fjord a short five minutes drive from my homestead. I love this place so much. It's starting to hit me that the Summer is coming to an end. The schools start again this month and the streets don't feel as busy. Of course, the weather still feels like summer but yesterday's sunset was a gentle reminder to stay present because I noticed it setting much earlier over the trees.
It's nearly 10am and I sit now writing from my sofa with my cat sleeping next to me. She loves her summer nights and needs her mornings for cuddles, rest and to refuel for the afternoon and night ahead.
Last night was incredibly magical. I was so in the moment that I barely took photos. It was a rare experience and I wanted to soak as much of it as possible. My friend, Kana is still visiting. I'm sad she is leaving this week but we still have a lot of days ahead. Last night we were in my jacuzzi until midnight. I have never felt such stillness in the air when we got out. It was so quiet, the sky was clear, we saw shooting stars, and I even tried kulning for the first time. My voice carried on across the landscape as an echo. It was so mystical I got goosebumps.
Leiana came to join us under the night sky
My friend and I had wonderful spiritual conversations while we are enjoying the warmth of the water and looking up at the sky. It was truly one of those nights I will remember for the rest of my life. We talked about how looking up at the sky can make us feel alone, but then the clouds parted quickly and we saw hundreds of stars. In that moment I knew we are not alone. It was almost as if the Universe was listening and unveiled the curtain clouds to show us how beautiful the sky is with all it's sparkling stars. With awareness and a slight shift in perspective, I realised in that moment that ANYTHING is truly possible. I felt such gratitude and wholeness to not only witness the beauty of the sky, but to also experience this with my friend.
Photo by Kana Sato
On an emotional level, I've been thinking a lot about nerves and self-confidence. I think I have misunderstood what self-confidence means. I kept thinking if I feel calm then I'm self-confident. How naive is that? The silly things our brain tells us. Now that I understand that confident people also experience fears and self-doubt, what makes them confident is the self belief and the self trust. And I believe I have that. I now believe I am confident and on a journey to manage my nerves and leverage my fears for a better life as an artist. That moment in nature last night changed my entire few of self. The healing powers of nature! It's pure magic!
"A Star is Born" Art by Annika
I hope you have a wonderful day filled with magical and joy!
I never used to be a morning person, but the older I get, the more I am excited about the mornings. A fresh start. A new beginning. More and more I want to live for the day. I have gotten in the habit these past years of planning too far into the future, only to witness time and time again that the plan never goes to plan. So what's the point!? Why am I creating this unnecessary stress for myself?! Now I'm making a conscious commitment to embrace the nature of life. Nature doesn't plan, it just is. Knowing that brings me peace. Every day now, I can open my door to the morning air and welcome what the new day will bring. Rather than excessively planning, I'm welcoming in more of the unknown into my life. And somehow that seems more exciting than scary ♥︎
My best friends: camera and catMy house and camera equipmentMorning cat yogaFeeling freeAbove the door to my barnLate summer flowersPeaceful momentsAmong pine trees, heather & mossJust like when I was a kid
It's been a few days. My friend, Kana landed in Gothenburg on Monday, and we spontaneously decided to go to Liseberg. It's a historic amusement park located in the city of Gothenburg. I had no idea that it's the largest amusement park in the North. I used to go there as a child and all those childhood memories came flooding back when we went on the classic rides. We had so much fun that day. We both said we felt young and innocent again, just like how we were when we met at boarding school in Switzerland back in 2006!!!
A day at Liseberg
We stayed at Liseberg until 10pm, and had a wonderful drive north to my homestead. She couldn't believe how light it was at this time. It's always so interesting hearing the perspectives of other cultures. There is so much day-to-day that we take for granted. Then a new perspective comes in and all of a sudden our view of things in our every day change. I love being challenged that way! I love seeing the same things from new angles and perspectives.
Our time together has been so easy and we have done what we have always done together as kids, just "go with the flow." My friend is from Japan but she spent some years living in California. We are very alike, we have faced the same struggles, we have lifted each other up over the years, and it's amazing to think that we haven't seen each other since she came to visit me in London when I was there for university. It was only for one evening back in 2011. I haven't seen her since. It's hard to believe that it's been over a decade because it feels like I saw her last week! A sign of true friendship.
Breakfast at home in nature ♥︎Ninja!
On the first day, we went down to the fjord for a swim and sunbathing. The weather has been fantastic! Then we had a lovely dinner in the sun at Henrik Olssons Fiskaffär in Hunnebostrand.
When we got home I opened my gifts that she brought from Japan. I now have an authentic Japanese macha making kit, and a tea pot. She also brought green tea and macha flavoured Kit Kat's. I was so happy with my beautiful gifts all the way from Japan. I can't wait to travel to Japan! I have noticed some similarities between Japan and Sweden in terms of culture, interior design and food. I wonder, however, what Kana will think of salted licorice fish!
Yesrerday, we spent the entire day at my house. It was a beautiful sunny day. I'm so happy the weather turned for the better. Just in time for Kana to experience the best of what the West Coast can offer.
As some of you may know from my Instagram posts, I have had a rough July so far. It all started with some weird symptoms where I couldn’t sit in front of the computer for more than an hour without feeling like I was going to vomit or faint. I would get strange feelings of vertigo. This is why I haven’t been able to edit or upload any videos.
I can’t believe it’s already the 21st of July! So much has happened that I want to share. In a nutshell, I listened to my body and took a much needed break from screens. Looking back, I think my inner child was screaming for more art and creativity, and less planning and strategizing. Of course as an adult, the planning is important, but I’m learning to find that balance between my organized adult and playful child.
A week into July, I went to Stockholm to visit my dear friends from London. I haven’t seen them in 2 years. They are my oldest friends. I met my friend, Liza, when she was 14 and I was 16 years old. Now she is a Mum!!! I was so overjoyed to meet her daughter, Charlotte for the first time. She is the cutest. I have mixed feelings about having children of my own. The idea sounds nice, but then I think about my inner child, and all the things I will have to put on hold again for another. I know that’s a hard statement to admit to myself and the world. It’s just where I’m at emotionally. But when I met Charlotte, I thought to myself. If my child could be like that, yes a thousand times yes haha I think being around children is incredibly healing. Charlotte is 16 months old and making sense of the world. When you really try and tune in to her world, it’s almost like a meditation. I felt so calm and relaxed around her, almost transported into her curious world and imagination. It really forced me to wake up to a lot of the aspects of myself that I didn’t know I was abandoning. Things like allowing imposter syndrome and procrastination and fear of judgement to creep in. There are days where I’m like, “Yup, I’ve mastered this. I’m good.” But then I forget I’m a messy human and some days I procrastinate to the point of not creating because I’ve allowed fear to creep in. I think this is why it’s so important to be present and gracious with ourselves every day, because we are always changing: forward, backward, zig zag, going in circles. It’s part of the human experience. But I think awareness is the key ingredient to this. Layered with a warm hug of compassion. Only then can we really just meet ourselves where we are at and move forward with discomfort, but with the inner knowing that we are moving in the direction of our highest good.
I felt so inspired to write today and I’m glad I did. I feel my health is back on track, despite having a horrible stomach flu after my trip to Stockholm. I must have picked something up from my travels because I was in bed sleeping for 4 days! I didn’t think it was possible to sleep that much. Leiana, my cat, never left my side. She would even lick my hand. I sensed she knew and was trying to comfort me. She is such a wonderful soul and I’m blessed she came into my life this Summer. She is teaching me so much about myself. She honesty feels like an angel in a furry costume hehe
Anyway, once I recovered, I allowed myself to slowly ease into tasks. I have a knot in my stomach because I have fallen behind on my housework and need to save to do all the interior love that my home needs. I still don’t have a sofa and feel that is the biggest priority now. To have at least one room fully ready to be lived in feels like a great goal to have this upcoming week. Especially because my best friend from Japan is coming to visit me next week! I haven’t seen her since I was a teenager. But we kept in contact all these years and it honestly feels like I saw her yesterday.
But today I am giving myself the gift of a “me day.” I day where I just flow through the day and do what I feel my body and soul needs. It’s nearly noon now and the sun is beating down on me. It’s the hottest day of the Summer and I refuse to be inside. Poor Leiana, she recently had 4 teeth removed and is on house arrest for 2 weeks! She is going very stir crazy scratching at the windows. I bought her a harness so I can at least take her outside and keep an eye on her. She’s an outdoor cat and only likes to come inside for food, cuddles and sleep. And right now all those 3 needs have been met. I feel so sorry for her because she doesn’t understand what is happening. I hope she doesn’t feel I’m punishing her. The vet said she is not allowed to be outside until her wounds heal. So that is how it will have to be for now.
As I look up, she is scratching the window frantically. Bless!
This morning I have felt so at peace and find myself breathing deeper because I’m PAINTING! I’m taking a domestika course to brush up my watercolor skills. As I was painting I had an idea for a YouTube video where I can talk about my experience going to art school and managing my imposter syndrome. I’m surprised how so many artists struggle with this, so I think it’s worth talking about and sharing my process to overcome it. I think this time away from work this month has allowed me to tune in to what I want to focus on right now with my work. I keep thinking how can my presence online help others. And it really comes down to being vulnerable about my struggles and how it impacts my art. And now I’m ready to talk more about this. Stay tuned on that. I might also write a little blog post about it because I love how I’m able to express myself more deeply with writing. I love writing and so glad to be back to share more about my life as an artist and healing creatively.
Today I’m surrounded by all my favourite things. The smell of freshly cut grass, the sun, and my painting supplies. Now I need to go inside and make a smoothie!
I hope you have had a beautiful start to your day. I am currently sitting on the train from Göteborg to Stockholm. It's a long but very smooth journey. I love Sweden's transportation system. It's so clean, reliable and affordable. I sit here in the world's most comfortable chair. If only every airplane seat could be this comfortable, then I would be more into flying. When I think back I use to love to fly. But now, the thought of getting on a place and going through that airport process horrifies me. I don't know where this has come from. Perhaps burnout? I have flown a lot back in my day. I started as a teenager and flew a great deal in my 20s when I was living in the US. In October 2022, I fainted on a plane from London to Los Angeles. I was flying alone and it was a scary experience. Ever since then, I've been more afraid of flying. The thought of being so high up feels more scary than spectacular. But I don't want that to stop me from flying in the future. I just think I over did it in the past. Now I sit comfortably in my train seat and admire the view from a normal altitude level. Riding trains is now my favourite way to travel, especially in Sweden.
Admiring Sweden's beautiful nature while listening to my tarot reading for July
Speaking of flying. Yesterday I rebooked my flight to Åre! A few months ago I posted a YouTube video where I thought I would live in Åre. Perhaps I was influenced by the existing YouTubers who have made a life for themselves in the North. As an aspirating content creator, I thought, "this is what audience members want." But that was a mistake waiting to happen! I'm so glad I took the decision to stay on the coast, close to my roots. Not only is it unique as a creator, but it's a decision that felt more aligned with my true self. As an artist I think it's always important to stay true to your unique story.
This morning I woke up with Big Ben charming. The past few days I have slept through my alarm because the ring tone was too relaxing. I'm glad I woke up but the alarm did put me in an anxious mode all morning. I did press snooze once and Leiana started climbing on me. I moved the duvet over my face, and she took that as an invitation to stand on my face haha I appreciate youm Leiana for getting me out of bed.
No selfies in the morning - Leiana
My Dad kindly drove me to the bus stop at 7:30am so I didn't have to walk the country road (potentially in the rain). We have had many rainy days. Leiana is an outdoor cat so I'm not too worried about leaving her for a few days. But she HATES the rain. My Dad will check on her every day.
My Dad is such a big inspiration. He spent majority of his professional career working in business consulting. After he retired he threw himself into his childhood passion, which was running. So in many ways, yes, he's retired. But in many ways he changed careers in his 60s! That is pretty cool isn't it. So if you think it's too late in your 20s, 30, 40s, 50, even 60s, or 70s, or 80s. It's NEVER too late! My friend's words stay stuck in my mind, "It could have been sooner, but it could have been later, so start TODAY! 🙂
Pappa bästis och jag
Before I got on the bus I spotted some rasberries growing wild behind the bus stop. It felt so simply magical eating a berry breakfast direct from nature haha They were tiny but had more flavour and colour than any store bought rasberry that I have bought in England or the US. In my opinion they were always very watery and much bigger.
Straight from mother earth. No packaging, no transportion. This is magic to me.
Now I can hear the conductor announcing that the train will be pulling into Stockholm in 5 minutes, so off I pop!
I would love to continue speaking to you but I need to tidy up my area and pack my bag.
Can't wait to speak to you soon and update you on what I get up to in Stockholm.
Lots of Love!
Annika ♥︎
P.S. This is a reminder to myself to tell you a funny story about what happened to my suitcase.
Stay inspired!
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