I wonderful reader asked me to share more about childhood trauma. This gave me the courage to open up some more so here we go.
I believe the arts and stories really do heal us, so I hope my presence sharing my journey online inspires others around the world in some deep and meaningful way.
Personally, I believe we all have the power to heal from childhood trauma. There was a time where I grieved my childhood and thought I would always be this broken person. But then I started to meet people who were vulnerable, warm and creative. And they too had past trauma. When I saw how they could grow and do what they love, I thought I could too. I believed that I could heal this and become the woman I wanted to be. A creative and compassionate soul.
Everyone has their own path when they embark on their healing journey. There is no one size fits all. I believe it's truly the hero's journey and a way to reclaim the soul. For a long time I felt like I lost my soul. This year I really felt it come back to me. It happened suddenly and ever since then I have felt difference. Stronger. More purpose driven. It came a moment where I asked myself, "Is my life really about serving others at the expense of my happiness?" Of course, I want to help others but I didn't want to suffer anymore in the process. Sometimes pain can be the thing that gives you the fire to change your life for the better.
A big thing that helped me was learning to reparent myself. To learn to grow a part of me that is nurturing, accepting, and empathic. I can see now that I always had this person in me and today I believe this is my true self. So now when I experience self-doubt, fear or any negative feeling, I can meet myself with empathy, love and understanding. I could write a whole book about my childhood but in a nutshell I was exposed to narcissistic and physical abuse, which over time led me to have extreme low self worth and codependency. That of course meant I was entering into toxic relationships as a young adult where I was emotionally and physically abused. This life experience trapped my soul and made my physically ill. I have autoimmune disease so it's important that I have the safe space to create and express myself. For a long time, and especially in my relationships, I felt like I was trapped in a jar with a tight lock on. Looking back, I realise with the compassion, guidance and support from wise and spiritual women, did I learn that I was the only person who could get me out of this way of living. A life that way making me so deeply unhappy. I hope my stories inspires you that you are not alone and that you can free yourself from the past. Some family members have seen me as playing the victim but that is far from the truth. It's taken a lot of healing and courage to open up emotionally and seek safety in other human beings. Human beings are not designed to heal in isolation. We need each other. This is my contribution to the world. My dharma. I might be a victim but I'm not victimizing myself for attention. I'm here to empower others who have gone or who are going through this. I care to make this planet a safer, compassionate and more loving place to live.
This year has been a year of empowerment and personal growth. Showing up online is also vulnerable and scary but again, that nurturing parent steps in and says, "it doesn't matter how the world sees you, it's how you see yourself that matters.” And I see myself as someone who wants to help others through my vulnerability and authenticity.
It has truly been in January this year where I made the biggest turning point in my life. Simply by following my soul’s gentle whisper I was able to reclaim my voice and inner calm. By moving to Sweden I was able to understand the people in my life who have my best interest at heart. I think healing is tremendously challenging because when you start shedding the old, you grieve. You grieve the people who you thought was there for you. I realized I had a lot of people in my life who I loved and trusted the most who had extreme expectations of me. I’ve learned that when you break free from these expectations and become your own person it makes people angry. This was a very confusing time for me but I’m healing this by practicing discernment as I move forward with my new life. I also learned this is where a lot of my abandonment trauma came from. When I expressed my voice I would almost be punished by being ignored, yelled at or scolded. I was often told I was ungrateful and manipulated into believing that I was this horrible person. It was a horrendous way to live but thank goodness that’s all in the past now.
I've learned that our body doesn’t want us to grieve. It's a painful emotion that we experience physically, so our body is just keeping us safe by avoiding the emotion. Today I still feel moments of grief, but I accept the feeling in those moments and remind myself that I'm here, grounded and at peace because I'm making decisions that are true to me and my happiness. I feel a deep joy and excitement as my artist dream is slowly coming true.
I hope my words help you feel inspired and safe. Feel free to respond if you have any thoughts, feelings or questions you would like to share. Much love and healing light to you. Take care of yourself today ♥︎
