Yesterday I made the conscious decision to start therapy. I have been thinking about signing up to Better Help for about a year now. I have always been a "solve your own problems kind of gal." I recognise that I need outside support and help to aid my emotional wellbeing. Right now, I struggle. Christmas tends to bring up a lot for me. And with a fresh start approaching with a new year, it encourages me to think hard about the life I want to live.

So I asked myself, "what would someone who loves themselves do given the situation I am in right now?" The answer came to me intuitively with ease and certainty: "find emotional safety with likeminded people." With the said, there was no hesitation in signing up for Better Help.

I was overjoyed to see that Better Help offers free group sessions and classes. I immediately signed up for my first group session in art therapy and class in childhood trauma. I left the Zoom meeting feeling emotionally safe and nurtured. It was like getting a virtual warm hug. I am grateful for the incredible women who I had the chance to meet today. My heart felt open because of these wonderful creative souls ♥︎♥︎♥︎ This shows the power in leaning on others who are also sensitive, creative, and empathic.

Watercolour and acrylic are my favourite painting mediums as they allow me to learn to let go. The paint is mixed with water so it can be very unpredictable. I like this unpredictability. As I learn to embrace the unknown and see the positivity in letting things flow, the paint and water teaches me to trust the process of life. To trust the future and that everything is working out in my highest good. I believe in the power of love and art. Art is so much more than we think. It truly has the power to heal us ♥︎

Here we had our exercise for the day. We worked silently while the teacher played some relaxing meditstive music. We discussed our drawings, our feelings and insights. Sharing ourselves in this safe space was incredibly calming. I haven't felt that calm in a long time.

I decided to draw something that I drew often as a child. During the summers I would always draw a horse in a meadow, and in the winter I would always draw reindeers in the forest surrounded by mountains. Since we had just celebrated Santa Lucia in Sweden, I decided to draw "little me" wearing a Lucia crown. I have fond memories between ages 7 and 10 years old where I would dress up in the Lucia dress with my classmates, and go to school to perform all the Swedish songs in front of family and friends. My Dad told me I would practice Lusse Lelle like my life depended on it. You can listen to the song on YouTube here.

Personally, I struggle with perfectionism. I am right handed but when I switched to draw with my non-dominant hand, the need for perfectionism magically disappeared! Through my left hand my inner child can take the reigns and everything flows so fearlessly. In those moments when I draw with my left hand I can play and watch my innocent drawing come to life.

It's not so much about the drawing being good. It's about giving my inner child the chance to feel seen and heard, and free to express herself in a safe environment. I often felt unsafe as a child, so art is certainly a way that I feel is very helpful to calming my nervous system and regulating my emotions.

Sometimes my body thinks it's living out those past traumatic and stressful events. But through presence, I remind my brain throughout the day that I am safe now, so it can signal to my body to relax and slow down. It's a daily commitment toward healing my mind so my body and nervous system can heal and relax. I have a lot of autoimmune issues, so it's very important for me to reduce my stress levels so my body doesn't get sick like it did this year.

It was also incredibly healing to draw this picture today because sadly I don't have any drawings or artwork from childhood in my possession. My sketchbooks would disappear over the years. One time my sketchbook was burned when I was thirteen years old. All because I had one drawing of my Dad's girlfriend. Over the years art started to feel unsafe, so for many years I was afraid to do the one thing that felt the most natural to me. I was afraid to be criticized for creating art, and terrified to have my art disappear as it often did. So what did I do as a helpless child? I shut down. I gave up. I stopped creating. My soul was locked in a dungeon for my entire adult life. Even after deciding to go to art school I felt trapped in a way because I didn't feel inspired by the big city.

I longed for something else. So today I put the key in and creaked open the door to creatively healing my soul. My childhood joys lighting the way forward.