Morning Admiration

Today I woke up at 9am. My 6am alarm didn't go off. Even if it went off, I probably wouldn't have heard it. I've been so tired lately. At least I'm giving my body the time it needs to rest and recover. I went to bed at midnight after spending a lovely evening painting on the coffee table that came with this old house. It was truly the play time I needed. Free from expectations. Just letting the water and the colour flow as it wants.

The watercolour paint teaches me to slow down, and reminds me of the fear I had in art school. The fear is less but I have so much love and compassion for that version of myself that was too afraid to make a mistake. In art there is no right or wrong, but in art school, I really struggled with letting go because of course we were assessed and graded on our work. I remember proudly drawing different yoga poses in a multi coloured pencil, and was fascinated with how the colours would change on its own depending on my hand movements. I suppose I liked the feeling of not being fully in control. I also felt proud with my work, but the moment the teacher walked by my desk, I felt crippled. He took one look at my work, shook his head and walked off, leaving me feeling powerless and worthless.

I think that is why it's so important for artists to know who they are and not get so bogged down by people's approval. Art is an expression of your true self, of the Universe one might say.

I recently listened to a podcast and they talked about how female artists are a vessel of creation since we birth, so when it comes to art the Universe flows through us as creativity, regardless of our gender. It's magnificent to think about. Are we artists doing God's work?

Many indigenous cultures believe that when they go out into the natural world, the creator speaks to them. I believe in this and would probably find myself very at home living amongst the indigenous people. Doesn't mean I can't embody other culture's belief systems if I want to in my day-to-day. The Sami people in Sweden have a deep connection for nature that I admire this greatly. The Sami's perspective of nature is very different to the Western view of nature. I have always been curious about this and how much my current perspective is misaligned. Especially when I was living in California, I became fascinated by the Chumash people.

I had planned to talk about my garden today, but the words just flow out of my fingers in the way they need to. I'm giving myself more permission to act on inspiration and it feels good. Especially with needing to minimise screen time. I just type intuitively and close the laptop. But at least the typing is from a flow state, rather than from a hyper critical analytical side of me that creeps in when I sit too long at the screen. So maybe what happened with my computer nausea is a good thing. It now forces me to write quick from the heart, and then run outside in nature to take pictures, on rainy days working on my house, and spend the evenings at my dinged up coffee table that I love so much, with an old paraffin light, painting the evening away with some relaxing instrumental music.

As intended, here are some pictures of my garden. My Dad comes over in about an hour and we will cut the grass. I thought about all the beautiful flowers that will disappear, so I wanted to capture them with my camera so they could live on forever as a picture. Wow, just writing this, I realise that photos can really make the subject immortal haha These are places my brain goes I suppose.

Nature combined with my camera lens, truly helps me be in the present moment. Instead of morning meditation, perhaps I should just go outside with my camera more often to catch the silence. My thoughts switch off anyway when I take photos, so it's almost like a creative movement meditation.

As I walked around taking pictures, I admired the energy in my garden: the bees, my cat galloping around with happiness, the butterflies, my old beautiful house, the sea air. It all felt so right in my body. Like the Universe was giving me the gift I had spent years working so hard for emotionally, and in school. This morning I am filled with gratitude and open to what the day brings.

There is so much to be grateful for. Everything works out in the end. Trust the process.

Love,

Annika