Growing Old?

I was working on a little video for you yesterday afternoon, when suddenly I was hit with a wild case of vertigo. The room was spinning and I thought I was going to pass out. My heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to leap out of my chest. In that moment I thought, here it is, this is it, I'm going to die. I thought I was having a stroke. I hobbled outside and sat on the ground outside the front door of my house thinking if I die, I will be found here, on the doorstep of my home.

Wow, it's wild to even be writing these words. I woke up this morning with a whole new perspective on life. I suppose health challenges do this to us. They ground us in the present moment, because in any moment, the lights can go out. I wanted to write about this because I think it's important to not take a second of life for granted, and not worry so much about the future. I feel in a way that my recent health struggles with emotional burnout and autoimmune issues linked to stress and inauthenticity, has actually motivated me to pursue my passions. I have been so afraid for too long to do things that make me truly happy. The fear of judgement, imperfection, and feelings of undeserving got in the way of me creating and living an authentic and healthy life. These limiting thoughts do try and creep in from time to time. It's a daily battle with a part of myself that is afraid to go after my dreams. But the willingness to overcome my fear is stronger as I realise how fragile life is. So that's what I'm going to continue doing everyday: wakeup and fight for my dreams, my passions, and my soul's longing. I can honestly say that I would die happy because, even though I haven't achieved my artist dream, I am living my dream by creating art and coming home to my heart and roots. With that I can confidently say that I am living my life purpose and that feels fulfilling and meaningful. An artists work is never finished after all.

In those moments when you lose control of your body's function, and your mind is afraid, that is when you realise how important your happiness is. Even writing this I feel a bit nauseous from staring at the computer. Yesterday, when I spoke to a nurse about my symptoms, she said I will need to take a rest from the computer screen for a few days. So if you don't see me for a while, this is why. I will focus on art and some house projects. I will try and film a bit here and there. But I won't force it if I don't feel inspired.

The nurse was also concerned that my symptoms might be because I cut my foot on an oyster when I was out photographing and filming in the fjord this past Thursday evening. The wound looks clean but the nurse said I will need to keep an eye on it. I am so grateful for Sweden's health care system. I was able to get free consultation over the phone. That never happened when I was living in the US.

I just got back from the supermarket and helped a lovely old lady who was looking for fish fingers. She was so gentle and kind. She inspired me to have fish fingers for dinner haha So I bought some! I told her I will think of her when I eat my fish fingers haha. And I really meant it. After I spoke with her I thought to myself, how beautiful to grow old. What an honour it must be to experience old age. As long as you have your health and can dance in the rain, then I look forward to aging. And I hope I do get to grow into my old age healthy and wise.

As I drove home with an ice cream in hand, playing the Red Dead Redemption game soundtrack, I started to think about the community here. How only in small towns do strangers talk to one another like they've known each other for years. What a wonderful feeling to know this still exists in the world today, and that I am now a part of it. Perhaps I am a small town girl after all!

When I left the supermarket I glanced at the information wall and saw a beautiful old chair. I have purchased a few start up items at IKEA, but ideally I seek to have things in my home that are truly unique, and that have soul.

So much rich history and forgotten hardship from the past inhabitants of this area. Did you know that Hunnebostrand is one of Bohuslän's oldest coastal communities dating back to 1200.

I think about the people who built this house and lived here in 1860. I imagine the people who lived here most likely died in this house, and endured many hardships and disease that can now be treated for in the modern day. Here I live in an old house with all my modern technologies and luxuries. Moving forward I will appreciate every moment of my life, the beauty of this area, and the history of the past no longer forgotten. Cheers to heritage!

Now I will put my fish fingers in the oven 🙂

Have a lovely weekend ꨄ