Stay Connected to Your Inner Light

Hello dear friends!

I hope you have kept yourself well emotionally, mentally, and physically this past week. My intention is always to write daily but when I'm not around, either it's a sudden need for self care or a big life moment that I will share with you. Either way, if I'm not here for some reason, you can find me updating you on what's happening on Instagram stories where the post will be active for 24 hours.

My attention and focus has been on reconnecting with my Mum. After returning home to Smögen, I spent some time reflecting on my time in Särö. I always like to reflect and seek the positive lessons in every life event, no matter the emotions they bring (positive or negative). After seeing my Mum, I realised how much I had grown as a person. I found myself more compassionate, more secure in myself, and more patient.

I have learned that when you embark on a journey of emotional healing and personal growth, it will shift the dynamic of your relationships. And sometimes that can create tension or harmony, depending on the other person. I'm learning to let go of the expectation that my external relationships will naturally grow with me. Therefore, I will not pass judgement on another person's life journey. We are all on our own path's in life. As long as we have our boundaries to keep us safe and secure, that is what matters most. Staying true to yourself and respectfully saying no to others.

I would say last weekend's key word was mindfulness. It was a heart warming reconciliation with my Mother, but it was also a challenging one. I am learning to lean on my new found self-awareness to show empathy and set boundaries. It's a wonderful way to show love for yourself and another. Moving forward, when I'm faced with challenging moments in my interpersonal relationships, I will lean on my new healthy mindset: to show empathy and simultaneously set healthy boundaries.

One morning, my Mum and I talked about emotional wellbeing, and the importance of being mindful with the people in your life. Without mindfulness, how do we truly connect with others? How can we help others feel seen and heard if we aren't present with their thoughts and feelings!? Especially, if we can't be present with ourselves.

It's very clear as humans we want to feel seen and heard for who we are. It was a painful experience for me to realise that I grew up believing the lie that I had told myself as a child: that I did not deserve to be seen and heard. That what I thought didn't matter. Of course, all of this was subconscious. I wasn't consciously walking around choosing to believe this. As a result, my light started to dim and I grew up insecure. This false belief stayed with me into my 20s where I valued other's people's needs and happiness before my own. Why? Perhaps I was trying to avoid conflict. Children internalise a lot of the outside world, so I think I was afraid to upset people. That's why it's so important to help guide children emotionally, otherwise they self-blame.

I grew up believing a lot of things was my fault. I was scapegoated for a lot of things. Not intentionally, but these things happen. So for me, it was easier to conform. Alas, a people pleaser was born. It's only been in recent years that my longing to have inner peace grew stronger. I wanted to feel unconditionally loved for who I am, not for how others wanted me to be. It's been a challenging adult journey so far but now I feel I'm getting my priorities straight and finding that unconditional love within.

In my late teens and early 20s, I became a high achieving adult at school and work. I was a perfectionist and needed constant approval, praise, validation from others. I was a chronic people pleaser, and I doubted everything about myself. I had very low self-esteem and was highly codependent. I believed the lie that putting my needs before other people's meant I was selfish. I spent my 20s suffering in silence, suppressing and shaming my negative emotions, being praised for achieving at work and helping others.

But who was helping me unconditionally? It was certainly not myself. I lived my entire young adult life believing I was not enough, undeserving of love, and unworthy. The first stage of my healing journey was grieving this realisation. But the light was there, which meant I would never see myself that way again. I had a completely new perspective of myself now.

Now, why do I write this? To help you feel validated in your own emotional pain, to help you feel less alone in your healing journey. I also want to give you hope and inspire you to achieve inner peace through setting healthy boundaries. I hope I have encouraged you to have the courage to choose you, unconditionally. Of course, help others, be compassionate, and empathic. But not at the expense of what makes you YOU. What kind of world would it be without love, without acceptance, with YOU. But remember, you can't fill from an empty cup, and you can't help people who don't want to be helped. So let it go. It's not your problem. Focus on you. You deserve it.

In my personal experience, when you heal from your limiting beliefs it's almost like entering the dark night of the soul. You can't unsee the truth anymore, but accepting the truth means your whole reality shifts. You see yourself and the world differently. Sometimes it's positive, and sometimes it's painful. Suddenly you might feel like you don't fit in in the world you currently live in. Perhaps it's a city, or a friend group, or a hobby, or what you have chosen to study at school. Maybe you don't know why but something feels different inside. Almost like the thing that excited you doesn't excite you anymore. I realised this didn't mean i was depressed, I was just going through a dark healing period in my life. And in a way, I still feel like I am going through it.

Where I'm at currently in my journey is just that, realising that I have grown but not quite clear of what I'm growing into. Almost like a butterfly out of it's cocoon but not quite sure which flower to land on. I notice I am withdrawing by going within myself. To gain clarity on my direction, the next step. I believe when you seek the answers within, you trust yourself. To me, this is self trust, because now I seek the answers and validation within rather than externally. I have inner strength now, and how I know what step to take in my life is to go within and listen. To be quiet and listen. Sounds simple doesn't it, but these moments of clarity have come with a lot of emotional pain and struggle. The pain cuts so deep you don't know if you will even get through it. But there is always joy once you go through it. That is a promise to you. So stay connected to yourself and be patient through the storm.

And be careful when people give their unsolicited advice. It's very easy to fall into old habits. Personally as a recovering codependent and people pleaser, I am very vulnerable to the advice of others. Especially family members. I would abandon what my heart wanted just to get the connection with others. I took some really unhelpful advice over the years just to feel approved of or praised.

It's also challenging to have an emotional healthy relationship with others who are unwilling to connect emotionally. I've learned to accept it for what it is and not take it personally. It's very tempting to fall back into old unhealthy dynamics just to avoid tension or conflict. Especially when those family members are very overpowering and loud in their opinions and thoughts about what they need, or about what they think I need. During these times, it's even more important to stay connected to yourself. To trust yourself. To let them behave the way they want to. And become aware of their projections so you can stay true to who you are and your needs. But to do that, you need to know who you are, what your like, dislike, your perspective about the world, your feelings, your needs, what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what you value in your life right now. Asking yourself these questions could help you be authentic in every moment, despite what is going on around you. Stay grounded and strong like this rocky landscape.

When you really think about it, this type of healing is like a rebirth. And that is exactly what I am going through now. Moving to Sweden wasn't just about moving to another country. Nor was it withdrawing to the familiar and hiding at home. No. Moving to Sweden for me signifies my value to live closer to my heritage and nature. It was also a step in honouring my inner child's needs to create and express myself freely. To me, my story is a rebirth because the person I was with limiting beliefs would never have moved to Sweden. The old me was too afraid to put her happiness first in case of disappointing others. In a way I still carry that fear, but it's not as strong. Sometimes we have to dare to do the thing we are most afraid to do. I think what gave me the courage was my health issues. When you realise how fragile life is, you are more afraid of not living it to the fullest.

I am a very sensitive human, and still after all my healing, I am still easily influenced by the thoughts and opinions of others. But only if I am not mindful. That's why I try and practice yoga every day so it prepares me for my day. It helps me build self-awareness. Self-awareness is what I believe a critical ingredient to healing and becoming the person I am meant to be.

It's challenging to hear your own inner voice or heart when people around you are so "noisy" with their opinions and expectations. If you are not careful, you lose yourself in it. I am working on strengthening this muscle and find it very challenging to not absorb the energy of other's around me. I seem to tune in to people around me. It's a blessing and a curse. When I'm alone in nature, I tune in and it's like medicine. But if I'm around negative people, I tune in to that energy and I leave feeling scattered, anxious, drained, and forgetful. I am very sensitive to the energy around me, which is why I'm so pleased to have found my peace on the island.

I've been told I'm an organised person and I believe it too! But when I'm in an unhealthy environment, I become terribly disorganised and lost. It shows we are energetic beings, and it's very important that we protect our energy and find time in the day to prioritise our needs. That's what I am consistently working on now. It's like strengthening a muscle.

I am very excited about how all this healing will influence my art and creativity. I can't wait to get to know myself on this level and share my positivity and love with the world through my art, videos and written words.

Tomorrow I will catch you up on where I am now. I decided to take some days to prioritise my physical wellbeing and now checked in to a wonderful spa. Today I did an ice bath for the first time. It was incredible!!! I will bring my camera around tomorrow and shoot some photos of this healing space. Can't wait to share this place with you.

Lots of love to you!

Annika