Fears & Dreams

I sit here in my art studio overlooking the ancient pine forest. The sky is a fiery red, orange and purple. It's slowly softening into a gentle calm blue. Nature's orchestra. This truly is a beautiful place to live. I love waking up to the sounds of birds, hawks and crows. And the rustling in the bushes, and the barks of the sea wolves (I hear barks and imagine they are white sea wolves). It's much better than the sound of London traffic and drunks yelling on the streets outside my apartment window at four in the morning.

It's very easy to take things for granted, so every day I remind myself that I achieved my dream to live here. It's been a dream for many many years. Having struggled with self doubt for so long, the feeling of achieving it feels wonderful and surreal. It's like passing an exam you have studied months for and then you pass it and it's like "now what?" I have really made a conscious effort to enjoy the pause between dreams. And I have so many new dreams now!

Recently, I have started to think about my vision for next year and how I want to improve my business, my art, my presence online, and my personal growth. When I think about this time last year, I was in a different place. It wasn't good. My life felt empty and meaningless. I didn't fear death because I felt so low. But lately, I've become afraid of dying after rediscovering myself. After reclaiming lost parts of myself that I abandoned to fit in with the crowd. I fear a life of not knowing myself and what I'm capable of by testing my limits. I'm afraid of not knowing what my true potential is and what happiness and true love feels like. What it feels like to express from my natural true essence, from my soul. I wonder what being a successful artist feels like. Art in many ways has become a lifeline. Without it, I don't know who I am.

In summary, this year has been an incredible personal growth year. A year of transformation and self-discovery. To me that is what healing is. Healing the soul through art and getting back to what I know deep inside. When I'm in nature I remember something. It's a sensory feeling that doesn't come from the mind.

The hardest decision I made was to move to Sweden because it came at a cost in some areas of my life. But it only highlighted who was truly there for me. The hard lesson when you set boundaries and use your voice is seeing the people who only preferred when you didn't have a voice and submitted to their needs. I didn't realise how much of myself I had lost in unhealthy relationships. I have healed a lot within this year and found immense peace in nature and in my solitude. Moving into my first home and meeting Leiana by chance (my cat) has honestly changed my life for the better.

It's given me a sense of security and groundedness that I never felt in previous years. Internally, I feel so much more secure, confident and happy in myself. More at peace, more accepting, more loving. I feel I have an abundance of love in my heart that I want to share with the world through my human expression. I feel it's a beautiful thing when you learn about your own humanity and accept that. Sharing your vulnerability with the world is a super power, not a victim story. Being an artist is vulnerable, and vulnerability gives me purpose because it's what brings more empathy into the world. More humanity. And I think the world needs that. Empathy could solve majority of our world's problems.

With that said, I am excited to continue to share my story and my journey online. Now it's onto the practical side of things, so please let me know in the comments what platform and medium you prefer: do you prefer reading, looking at photos, watching YouTube videos, Instagram, Facebook, Youtube? Or all of them. If all, please bear in mind that there might be some repetitive content. I'm learning where my audience is, and it's a process for a new artist like me, so I appreciate your patience and understanding.

The one thing I struggle with is finding the time to be active on all platforms consistently, so recently I have been thinking about prioritising YouTube, and posting when I can on the blog and Instagram. Because right now I feel a bit overwhelmed and trying to find a balance. My new word of the year. Balance.

I also want to say thank you for all your support this year and to all you lovely hearts out there. I'm not the stereotypical "content creator" because so much of my content comes from feeling. And I can't plan my content because I can't plan my feelings. I hope that makes sense. But I do love to share after I have felt the feelings on my own and reflected on them. I have noticed that is a way I like to show up in the world. I like to speak from my higher self and not from my anxious self that needs a lot of love and acceptance from "the other I." If you know about this and the concept of alter egos then you know what I'm talking about 🙂

I feel like the biggest lesson this year in terms of my healing journey has been to teach my body that it's safe to have emotions. And the power of becoming familiar with your old self and conscious of your unconscious self, and accepting it with love. From my experience this year, I believe once you see there is no unseeing. So trust that on your own healing journey. That's why the sun is such a powerful symbol to me. It represents seeing the truth, to trust the wisdom within, to trust the knowing, to remember. That feeling of remembering that I experienced recently symbolises a big moment of change within. Like my soul came back to me. It feels seen. This is what light represents to me.

From my healing journey this year, I strongly believe I have created a guide for you to see and remember. We are all unique and different so follow your heart's calling. I believe there is power in honoring your human-ness; the desire to feel safe and at home in your environment. To me that represents coming back to your roots, to your ancestors, and making a house a home. A place where your body feels safe enough so your heart can express itself.

Then there is the spiritual non-material desire to feel close to self. The closer I get to my soul, I feel connected to nature in a way that feels like love and gratitude, not fear, anxiety and overwhelm. It's hard to explain this feeling. I feel like I dialed in to a different radio station and now I'm singing along to the songs that I want to sing.

Then there is art, which is the soul expressing itself. This year I have tried writing, photography, filming, intuitive dancing and singing. Giving my soul space to express creatively has been incredibly healing. Of course, in society I would love to make money doing what I love so I will need to prioritise what my soul feels called to this year.

I believe from my profound spiritual experiences this year by reconnecting to my heritage, art, nature, it has taught me to remember. To remember the light within, and the sun being a daily reminder of that. A symbol of change.

This year's healing journey has changed the way I live in my every day, my life essentially. And how do I live my life now? By asking myself, what would love do?

Also let me know what you would like to see more of in the New Year. For those of you who are new here, I don't live in the deep forests of Sweden. I live by the rocky coastline in Sotenäs where all this used to be Norway.

I live in what the locals here call Old Norway, where their dialect is unique and they have their own Norwegian influenced words. For example, I have often spoken about the island where I spent my Summers as a child. It's called Smögen. But in Bohuslenska, it's Smoen. Interesting, huh!? I find the dialect fascinating yet I struggle with understanding the dialect sometimes.

I am so grateful to have fresh sea air on my skin and in my lungs, rich salty minerals in the soil for beautiful pine trees and birch trees to grow, farmlands, north winds, the magical fjord, and the Viks. This is where my heart belongs and how the Vikings used to live all those years ago. There is so much beauty, history and mystical energy here and I want to share more of that with you.

I love this old history and pre-christian life in Scandinavia. Everything was so connected to the earth and nature. It brings me closer to something special. To the magic the people felt and embraced back then. What my ancestors believed in.

My focus these past months has been on moving into my house, making it feel like a home, and getting my art studio set up. Emotionally, I have been shifting my mindset and growing in a profound way with the help of the beautiful nature here. My work is influenced by the North Sea, Norse mythology, ancient nordic and celtic wisdom. This is influenced by my British and Scandinavian heritage. I can't wait to share this magic with you from my home to yours wherever you are in the world.

I have so many creative interests and project opportunities in the new year, so I really need to learn to prioritise and only focus on my top three now. More on that later.

I won't take up any more of your precious time because time is valuable. I have a lot to do today before my trip tomorrow. I can't wait to share with you where I'm going in the next post. See you there? Big hug and kiss from me and Leiana!

Been listening to this the entire time I've been writing this post. I love connecting through music and the heart beat of the drums ♥︎ꨄ♥︎